[Editor’s note: I wrote this 2 years ago, as part of my book AT DEATH DO US PART. It ended up on the cutting room floor. For the record, I dated a wonderful woman last year, and am now dating another lovely soul. But I’m sharing now what I wrote then because some folks seem to find my thoughts on this subject helpful and amusing. I’m glad. Just know that it’s not wholly up to date.]
Ghosting has always been one of my pet peeves. Long before Internet dating I was ticked off by people who ghosted me. People who say, “I’ll call you back next week;” “I’ll get that letter to you tomorrow;” “I’ll circle back with you soon;” “We’ll be there Friday to follow up;” and then… nothing. No phone calls, no emails, no more responses to inquiries whatsoever. My least favorite, one that I actually learned in Hollywood where it was made famous, is “Let’s do lunch.” At this point the number of people who’ve ghosted me over my lifetime must proximate 1,000. Family, friends, business partners, board members, film crew, call centers, clerks, mechanics, donors, doctors, lawyers, plumbers and painters… People who’ve promised me money, support, service, information, feedback, advice, their car, their foxy sister… it might as well have been the moon. Does integrity really mean so little nowadays? How do people do that and live with themselves? Is this a byproduct of the “be nice” generation where it’s too “hurtful” to tell someone you can’t and won’t keep a simple agreement?
I recognize the internal dynamics that keep people from responding. Usually it’s shame. People feel ashamed when they haven’t done what they promised so it’s easier to try to disappear. What are you, three years old?! “No one can see me if my head is in this paper bag!” Once someone is moving down that shame spiral it’s almost impossible to get him or her to reverse course. Almost anything you say or do is going to make things worse. You can try to be direct – “Hey, you said you were going to put me in touch with that donor.” You can try to hold them accountable: “I was waiting by the phone at 1pm when you said you’d call.” You can try to be gentle and indirect: “Really sorry I missed your call. Can we reschedule?” If they’re really stuck in shame they’ll simply project their self-loathing on to you for making them feel bad. “Fuck him! Who does he think he is? I’ve got more important things to do than tend to his wants.” Pretty soon they’re writing you off forever for something they themselves have not done.
I once consulted my friend and colleague Michael Bonahan for advice on how to deal with ghosts. This is the letter he suggested sending them:
Dear______________,
I’ve been expecting to hear back from you since we ________________. I was looking forward to receiving _______________ from you. Did I misunderstand your offer/commitment?
I’ve inventoried my own actions since our last meeting and I can’t find anything that would place me out of integrity with you. If there is something I’m missing, please let me know.
If not, I ask that you take the time to check-in with yourself and see if you are still willing to work with me in the challenge to better our world for youth, families, and communities. If your answer is “no” then please do me the courtesy of responding to save us both time.
With all best wishes,
It’s a wonderful model. If only it worked. I sent it to at least five people and I still never heard from them again. My fantasies revolve around getting revenge by giving them backhanded compliments. Thanking them, in abstentia, at the fundraiser (or other event or process) they abandoned by saying, “If it weren’t for _______________ (who ghosted me) I never would’ve met ______________ who made this event happen.” “If it weren’t for ______________ (who fucked me over) I never would’ve come to understand the true meaning of integrity.” “_______________ taught me about empathy; I’m now rededicated to always find empathy in my heart even for the people I never want to see again.”
Persistence is an important attribute. It can be particularly prized by those who are quite busy, those to whom it takes repeated introductions or repeated reminders to get through to. It’s commonplace these days to insist that multiple contact attempts are required to achieve results. I suppose if you’re trying to reach a big shot that may be true. You have to hound the person, or their “people,” before they’ll even consider responding. But I’m talking about people who’ve already committed something to you. And, again, call me old-fashioned, but it’s not only ineffective to reach out to people multiple times to remind them of their commitment, eventually it’s rude. However delicately you word your “friendly reminder.”
Everyone has their own favorite form of self-created misery. This is mine. I’m preternaturally committed to ethics and ethical behavior. As a model for my own behavior it does not present a problem. Unfortunately, I actually expect other people to act in honorable ways. This is foolhardy in the extreme. Having now run into the suffering that holding on to this dogma has cost me again and again, throughout most of my life, I like to think I’m finally getting the lesson. Zen teaches us that reality is the only thing that matters. Holding human beings up to any expectation of standards is a surefire way to make yourself miserable. Alas, I’ve spent far too much time engaged in this imprudent pursuit and making myself miserable.
The problem is I forget it’s about me and not about them. By not living up to my standards I lose respect for people, quickly. I have a razor sharp critical mind and I’ll judge the hell out of people. Back in my 20s, after reading my chart, an astrologer friend told me that the history of my relationships with women will primarily be defined by how I exit the relationship once I realize I’ve lost respect for them. It can be something very subtle, something completely off the radar of most people, or something more obvious like consistently breaking agreements. Tracy held the same impeccable accountability standards that I do. We were a perfect match.
…
Dating. Wow. If ever there were a system designed to put someone on the knife edge between greed and aversion this is it. It’s seemingly devised to test my stability. How much turbulence can I take? Mara, in her full glory, assaults me. The currents of romantic and sexual desire flow through me like tsunamis.
Looking for women, near me, ages 47‑60, for short & long term dating and casual sex.
That’s what one of my website profiles says. It’s not easy to fit what it is I’m seeking into strict and simple website categories. I seek the company of women. I did determine quickly I’m not looking for friendship. I want a lover. I have a lot of wonderful friends of both genders and don’t seek more. I am looking to date, whether short term or long term. But I’m certainly not seeking “the one” at this time. It seems sensible to take time getting used to this new game before getting serious. I’ll never find another Tracy, that’s clear. Though I’m open to being wondrously delighted by some new woman (while also getting familiar with a whole new set of shadows and darkness) it’s foolish to expect a contender to appear in the near term. I’m also open to the possibility that one may never appear. I’m not looking for another Queen. Even if I found one I don’t think I’d necessarily recognize her. So I seek connection and intimacy. My desire is to sow wild oats and date numerous women. I’d certainly like to make love again. But my own past history as a monogamist proves having multiple short-term or simultaneous lovers unlikely.
Unfortunately, the term “casual sex” is the one moniker one particular website offers in lieu of the array of options I vastly prefer. Am I willing to have sex without a commitment to a long or even short term relationship? Yes. But the likelihood is small that I would. That entire proposition is laden with complexity. I must feel there is the potential for a long-term relationship with a woman before I could even desire sex with her. I have to be attracted to her mind, heart, and soul, along with her body, before I will put myself into those intimate circumstances. I learned from numerous painful episodes in my 20s that I’m not the kind of stud who can have wild and carefree sex just for the fun of it. I wish I were. I fantasize that I am. Alas… So while my profile advertises “casual sex,” my self-knowing asks for something deeper and more complicated. One woman in our first meeting called me on it. She used it as occasion to reflect on the differences between the sexes, how more men than women seek casual sex. So I guess I seek it but I don’t really expect it.
Especially because, in typical fashion, I’ve decided to do pretty much the opposite of what most people do on dating sites. I tell the truth and I go deep. Against what usually passes for good sense, I posted this manifesto: Summing It All Up. I figure even if the women who read it never want to meet me they’ll at least get a healthy dose of how I see the world.
Truth be told, yes, women’s mysteries often drive me crazy too. Why can’t they just come out and say what they want, need, and feel? I’ve been told that women should never reach out first when they’re matched with a man on Tinder. Why? Because of crap societal standards that say that makes you a slut? Aren’t we past all that? All the old baggage about the man having to be the one to make the first moves still flourishes. It’s the man who’s got to continually put his ego, his self-esteem on the line. As I understand it women are besieged by men online. Why? Why are the numbers so disproportional? It’s bad enough that the culture is so out of whack.
I read Christopher Lasch’s book The Culture of Narcissism in college and barely remember it. But is online dating now its paradigmatic expression? I realized relatively early in my relationship with Tracy that love matters far less than unconditional commitment to make the relationship work. Once those differences, large and small, start to arise, all that really matters is your willingness to stay in the heat, resolve them equitably, and be accountable to the resolution. That’s what makes for good relationships. Not love per se, much less physical attraction. And of course it’s those passages through the differences that deepen and expand the possibilities for love to flourish. But not online. Swipe left.
First, there’s a nearly infinite number of dating sites. Interested in inter-racial dating? There’s a site for you. Gluten Free Singles? Yep. Want to date a golfer or a clown? Uh-huh. Someone who likes mullets or wears diapers? Oh, yeah! Interested only in Jewish women who like sports? I haven’t found it yet but it won’t be long.
And while I’m at it I invite you to say a prayer for the less attractive, less successful. I’m vain enough to consider myself the opposite of both. So it breaks my heart to look at more everyday folks and wonder “When do they ever get pinged? Who will reach out and love them?” Please say a prayer for them, that they find each other. (I feel the chorus of “Eleanor Rigby” coming on: “All the lonely people…”)
And young people. Say a prayer for them too. I find it unbearably sad that young people resort to online dating in huge numbers. Why? Didn’t many of us olders find perfectly wonderful partners in our youth simply by living our lives? Call me ageist but it seems to me that online dating should be the domain for olders, saddled with kids, jobs, mortgages… who can’t get out on a Saturday night much less on a Tuesday. Or the elder olders, those who’ve lost spouses, are retired or physically infirm, and have limited means of interaction. When you’re young why is it that doing the things you love doing is no longer enough to bring you into proximity with potential partners? The older and more infirm you get it’s not so easy. But younger people have all that time and energy and, hopefully, at least some disposable cash, to get out. I fear that online dating corrupts scores of young people to adopt the attitude of disposable humans. What exactly is the incentive to actually stay in the game with someone you meet to see if you can develop an appreciation or attraction? How much attention is a human life worth? “I don’t like his eye color.” Swipe left. Bad enough that us old farts resort to this but please don’t debase the youngers.
Dating demands that I stay on top of my game. I have to remain centered and grounded while these tsunamis blow through me. Dating consciously, with care and respect paid to every moment of every encounter, is no small challenge. Especially when every fiber in my body may be screaming, “RUN! Get me out of here!” It’s been enough to cause me to go back and read a blog I wrote about dating some years ago. I had to remind myself what I learned about this process before I met Tracy. The article reflects the skills I applied to dating through my men’s work. I just have to add my Zen skill set to that list and apply whatever more I now know. If trying to surf in those tsunamis of dating doesn’t call us to our highest equilibrium skills, to our greatness, I don’t know what does.
Photo Credit: Burst from Canva
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