I just returned from the DAD 2.0 conference in Austin. It was a gathering of writers who blog about Dad issues combined with marketers and advertisers interested in reaching Dads. The conference organizers are trying to replicate the success of MOM 2.0 – a yearly conference for Mom bloggers and advertisers.
The unstated value proposition of DAD 2.0 seemed to be that fatherhood can and should make dads better men. I totally respect that notion. But the orientation of my work and thinking for the last 17 years has been the reverse – that making better men will make men better fathers.
It’s great if men discover their nurturing and service capacities in fatherhood. It’s great if they develop an appreciation for all the work that goes into child-rearing, that goes into household management. It’s great if they suspend their identity as bread-winners and are willing to take a “less prominent, more supportive” role in the care of families. Robert Bly used to talk about the “male mother,” how these capacities are latent within every man and require their own separate development.
But why should it take becoming a father to impart these lessons? Why wait? What does that say about a man’s behavior and awareness before he becomes a father? Is he off the hook? Just allowed to party, party, party? Given license to be irresponsible, sexist, lazy? Those possibilities reflect some of the worst case scenarios.
The best case scenarios might look like traveling the world, or taking on numerous lovers, or sampling many different kinds of work in many different kinds of environments. It may look like studying with a yogi or learning entrepreneurialism from a business mentor or a trade from a skilled craftsman. Those life paths will certainly teach valuable lessons. But can’t we agree that waiting until fatherhood is not necessary to becoming a good man and may in fact be too late?