Bachelorhood 101

Excerpted from Frederick’s book Turds of Wisdom: Irreverent Real-Life Stories from a Buddhist Rebel.

The book Turds of Wisdom: Irreverent Real-Life Stories from a Buddhist Rebel contains stories of two kinds—episodes from Frederick Marx’s personal life and mini-essays on particular topics of interest. Some are Buddhist-themed; some have nothing to do with Buddhism. Nothing is meant to be sequential, either chronologically or thematically. “For those things we recommend a good book.”

In its pages, Marx shares his experiences and insights as a “high-maintenance person — neurotic, difficult, demanding, contradictory, and critical.” What he also describes is how to manage those challenges: the daily strategies, the coping mechanisms, the insights, and the humor he has found along the way that make it possible to carry on. “And boy, do I carry on!” he  says.

The chapter Bachelorhood 101 lists household management best practices for saving time and  money, while hopefully, still having a relationship with a girlfriend!

Preparing a Bachelor Pad for a Girlfriend’s Visit

When your new girlfriend comes over:

• Buy fresh lettuce. 
• Buy vegetables. Lots of them. 
• Take out the garbage. 
• Get higher-priced wine. 
• Throw out all the dead and dying foods in the fridge. 
• Make an elaborate meal using every pot and utensil you have. Fool her into thinking you cook like this all the time. Later, when your relationship is well established, revert to your bachelor ways. Tell her it just seems more practical to do everything that way. Never tell her the truth.

Things to Keep Out of Sight

When your girlfriend comes over, hide: 

• Your anti-grinding teeth protector. 
• Your hemorrhoid cream. 
• Your toe fungus ointments. 
• Your laxatives. 
• Old porn magazines. 
• Anal lubricants. 
• Cheap, waxy toilet paper that might actually cut her. Get the soft stuff. Go triple ply.
• Encouraging messages from Mom taped to the mirror. 
• The safety manual for “what to do in case of a heart attack.”
• Your list of “people I’d like to see dead.”

Clothes make the man!  Except when who gives a shit. 

Changing clothes: 

• Do it only when necessary. For example, when you’re going to see the same people for the second day in a row. 
• Rather than put that dirty T-shirt or socks or underwear in the laundry bin, take the ones you’ve been using for working out and wash those. Then move the original dirty ensemble to the workout bag. 
• Every time your girlfriend comes over, change your clothes. Always wear your best-pressed shirts. Then, after she’s been over a lot, start to wear your more faded jeans and shirts, especially the ones with holes. Let her know that you’ve forgotten how to sew and that you value conservation. If she starts fixing your clothes, tell her you love her.  If she starts buying you new clothes, marry her.

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.” (Groucho Marx, no relation)

A keen sense of humor can be the key to a better life, regardless of circumstances, including bachelorhood. Marx’s insights are a comical reminder, not just on how to prepare a bachelor’s space for the realities of dating, but also how to open your mind to the lighthearted side of what otherwise might be a lifetime full of painful or embarrassing moments.  He should know!  He’s had plenty! And many of them are documented here.